Kung Fu Panda: Legends of Therapy
by Blue Autumn Mist
Summary: Now that Shen is dead and the Peacocks no longer rule Gongmen City, Soothsayer is out of a job. And with nothing better to do, she has decided to become a therapist and help our Kung Fu characters with some un-resolved issues.
1. Chapter 1 Therapy with Po

**A/N: *****Disclaimer ****: I do not own any rights to Kung Fu Panda or Legends of Awesomeness. All rights belong to their respective parties. This is just for fun.***

**To make a distinction of who's talking, Sooth's ****dialog will always be in bold type. Every other character will always be in regular type.**

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><p><strong>Chapter 1- Therapy with Po<strong>

**Sooth's Notes:**_** Day 1 – Today is my first day on the job. I'm supposed to see the Panda today. I can't imagine what issues he has, I thought he solved his little "who am I" problem after talking to me. Oh well, maybe something else is on his mind? We shall see…I feel as though I've said that before. Well, on to work!**_

"**So what can I do for you Po?"**

"Um, so how does this work? Do you want me to like, start from my troubled childhood?"

"**Did you **_**have**_** a troubled childhood?"**

"Well, no not really."

"**Then don't start there. Why don't you tell me about what's bothering you **_**now.**_**"**

"Alright. Well it all started after I defeated Shen. I was doing fine, I found out who I was, I didn't die, I came home and made noodles with my Dad. But then I found out about…that TV series."

"**And what TV series is that?"**

"You know, that Legends of Awesomeness thing. I mean, come on! What's that about? Didn't I have enough problems in the second movie?"

"**What is it specifically about this show that is bothering you?"**

"How about everything? They make me look like a lazy idiot who's a jerk to his friends and doesn't take anything seriously. How un-awesome is that? That's what it should be called: Legends of Un-awesomeness. _And _the guy doesn't even look like me! At least, I hope I don't look like that…he kinda looks like his face has been smashed in or something."

"**And how does all of that make you feel?"**

"Wait, I'm not done. I would never hit on Tigress either. I mean, who thought of that? We're not even the same species! It's kinda sickening when you think about it…"

"**So it makes you feel ill? Does it make you feel any other way?"**

"Icky…is 'icky' different from 'ill'? And why would I ever draw a heart, give it to someone and say that it was my butt? That's just so wrong, it doesn't make any sense!"

"**And have you tried to do anything about how you feel?"**

"I've been trying to inner peace it away, but I can't."

"**I thought you already mastered that inner peace thing?"**

"Hey, flaming cannon-balls flying at ya is one thing. Having to deal with that show is a whole other issue. It's really starting to depress me. Hey does any of this mean I'm deeply disturbed? Troubled? Slightly unhinged?"

"**Not particularly…and those all mean the same thing."**

"Oh. What about eating my Dad's imported bamboo furniture?"

"**I'd say not."**

"What about my dream that a radish started doing Kung Fu and beat me up?"

"**Perhaps you are a little disturbed…"**

"Whoa, really?"

"**Is there anything else bothering you?"**

"Can you help me with me stealth mode problem?"

"**No. Anything else?"**

"Well, I have this thought that if Tai Lung is now just a bunch of energy particles floating around everywhere that he's spread all over the Valley and we're all just walking on him everywhere we step. I mean, is that not kinda freaking anyone else out?"

"**Ok, we're done."**

"Wait! I haven't told you about my reoccurring dream that a dumpling is eating _me._"

"**No, we're done…"**

**Sooth's Notes: **_**End of Day 1- Well that was…interesting. This Panda has more issues than I thought. I should probably refrain from telling anyone that I was kicked out of my therapy class for trying to taste everyone's clothes. And that my degree may have came from a giant fortune cookie…Hmmm, this therapist thing might be harder than I thought.**_

**Final Analysis:**_** Very troubled regarding his TV self. Also seems to have chronic tendency to dream about food annihilating him. Perhaps this indicates a deep-seeded wish for the TV him to meet with a killer food and therefore an untimely end. Or maybe he just has heart-burn…May be prone to hostility towards radishes**_

**Suggested Treatment: **_**Eat less dangerous foods. Try to avoid contact with TV self. No food after eight…and some herbal tea.**_

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><p><strong>AN: Now don't go on a rampage and kill me, all you LOA fans. This is just for fun. It's true I'm not a huge fan of the show myself, but if you are that's great. This story is just from the thought of what the real KFP characters think of their LOA counterparts, as well as other issues they have.**

**Anyway, I hope you all will enjoy this. Humor isn't my strong point so if it's bad you can tell me, but be nice about it. XD**

***A special shout out to FyreDragon5. Thank you so much for you encouragement and support. Your friendship means the world to me. **

***Also to another fanfiction author –who wishes to remain anonyms- thank you also for your support and **patience**, you've been great. **


	2. Chapter 2 Therapy with Tigress

**Chapter Two – Therapy with Tigress**

**Sooth's Notes: **_**Day Two – Today I see the Tigress…what's her name again? Oh, right, Tigress. Perhaps I'll be dealing with **_**normal **_**issues today. I hope so for my sake. All I could dream about last night was attacking food and pandas trying to hit on felines…not the most pleasant thing in the world. And so my second day begins…**_

"**So Tigress, what can I help you with today?"**

"I'm so frustrated about this TV show that's playing I don't even know where to start."

"**Well, what's bothering you the most?"**

"The fact that they said I had a crush on Shifu. _Shifu_? Are they insane? He's my _Dad_! What kind of sick, twisted person thought that up?

"**This is…unsettling."**

"And that actress looks nothing like me! Her eyes are all wired, and what is with her voice? I don't sound even close to that. And they have Po hitting on me and calling me things like 'honey'. And they have my personality all wrong. I'm not _that _cranky. I'd never be so uptight that I'd just attack someone that was holding a towel. And I _do _smile."

"**I see. And how does that make you feel."**

"Annoyed and disgusted. I don't just randomly hit people, and I would never _ever _in my life have a crush on Shifu. Don't I have a complex enough life without adding to it?"

"**Is there anything else bothering you?"**

"Yes, as if this show isn't enough. Why do people keep trying to pare me off with Po? I'm disturbed enough about how they make me look and act on TV. Do I have to deal with the Ti/Po paring outside of the show as well? Po's my friend for goodness sakes! We're not even the same animal! How do they even think that'd be possible?"

"…**And how do you feel about that?"**

"Same as the show. I'm having constant nightmares that in the next movie they're going to put Po and I together. I'm starting to get stressed about all of this, and I don't get stressed!"

"**I see. Why don't we talk a little about your childhood?"**

"Do I have to?"

"**Don't you think it would be beneficial?"**

"Not really."

"**Why not?"**

"I don't see what for. Everyone already knows I had a messed up childhood. At least they do if they've watched Secrets of the Furious Five. And they all know I used to punch trees to train so now I have no feeling in my hands."

"**You have no feeling in your hands?"**

"I didn't mean it like that! Obviously I have _some _feeling in my hands. If I didn't I wouldn't be able to use chopsticks."

"**Is there anything else that bothers you?"**

"Not really…unless you count finding out that Po has action figures of me and the others. I don't think I'm really 'disturbed' by it, I just think it's a little odd. Did he mention them in his session?"

"**I'm afraid he skipped that."**

"Too bad, I was interested in the diagnosis for that one."

"**Does it bother you at all that you're a forced vegetarian?" **

"What in the world do you mean?"

"**You know, you eat tofu and noodles and all that stuff instead of eating meat, like a normal tiger."**

"_Meat_? As in _other _animals? Are you telling me that real tigers _eat_ other animals?"

"**Well…"**

"I have to go. I think I'm a little more disturbed then when I first came. Thanks anyway…"

"…**Perhaps I shouldn't have brought up the meat issue."**

**Sooth's Notes: **_**End of Day 2 – Well, I think that went better than the first day…ok maybe not. I didn't realize the meat subject was a sensitive issue…I thought she knew the truth about tigers. Oh well. I don't know how she could be more bothered by meat than the other problems we discussed. I'm very intrigued by this TV show everyone keeps talking about. Perhaps to be in better touch with my clients I should watch a few episodes.**_

**Final Analysis: **_**Also**__**disturbed about the TV Show (and now meat as well). Has a strong dislike for her TV self. I suspect she may have some repressed feelings about her childhood.**_

**Suggested Treatment: **_**More therapy to recover from **_**my**_** therapy. **_

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><p><strong>AN: *hides from rampaging Ti/Po fans* Now now, remember what I said? This is just for fun, so no killing the author. No, I don't like the Ti/Po thing but that's just my opinion. **

**Thank you everyone who left a review. I really appreciate the feedback! **


	3. Chapter 3 Therapy with Shifu

**A/N: I didn't think to check if a strikethrough could be done on this site so, since it can't, in place of that I had to use ******

**The original text in Sooth's Notes read: "raccoon master" with a strikethrough just before "red panda master".**

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><p><strong>Chapter Three – Therapy with Shifu<strong>

**Sooth's Notes: **_**Day Three – I should have taken my clients seriously when they said the show was disturbing. I've never wanted to gouge my eyes out with chopsticks before. Although I feel that **_**I**_** could use some therapy today I've already made another appointment. Today I'm seeing that little **_****_**. **__**red **_**panda master ****I'm sure whatever is bothering him will be quite normal compared to the others.**

"**So Master Shifu, what can I do for you today?"**

"Well, ever since this show has aired on TV I've been a little… out of balance."

"**I see. Why don't you tell me a little more about it?"**

"Where do I even begin? There's the fact that in one episode they had me dancing around like a girl and waving a fan around. Dancing is one thing, but making me bat my eyes and act like a female…this show is honestly the worst thing that has happened in my life. By far, nothing else has come close. It is without a doubt the most painful, mind-destroying, horrible thing I have ever seen."

"**Well I guess I don't have to ask how you feel about it…"**

"And then in the same episode they have me playing with all those action figures and acting giddy. It's a terrible display."

"**I'm glad I didn't see that episode…"**

"They make me look useless too. Don't people think I could handle myself against an angry warthog with a broken tusk and silly weapons? It's starting to get embarrassing. Po is talented, but I wouldn't need him to save my tail every other day."

"**So there's an episode that makes you look useless in which you had to be saved by Po. Which episode was it again?"**

"They're pretty much all like that…"

"**Oh…right. What else bothers you?"**

"Well there's the way they made me look. I look so…so…old. And people already have a hard enough time realizing that I'm a red panda without making me look like an oversized rat. I've been called rat, mouse, fox and raccoon. What do you think that does to someone when no one can guess what animal you are?..._You _knew I was a red panda, didn't you?"

"**Um…of course! It's so obvious."**

"What are you crossing out there?"

"**Uh…nothing…Please, continue."**

"Alright…I know Master Oogway said that there are no accidents, but he couldn't have been talking about this show. It's the biggest accident the universe has ever seen. No wonder I have to meditate all the time."

"**So then all your stress is show related? It has nothing to do with Po anymore?"**

"Well not entirely…there are some occasions when he still tends to rattle my nerves. Like when he broke in through the ceiling to see the Kung Fu Masters' exhibit because he couldn't wait until morning."

"**So it has nothing to do with the guilt you felt about failing Tai Lung?"**

"…No, but thank you for bringing that part of my history up again…"

"**And what about when Po achieved inner peace at 'such a young age'? I believe those were your words."**

"I think my day was just ruined. I need to go now and meditate some more…"

"**Maybe I should learn to filter what I say more carefully."**

**Sooth's Notes: **_**End of Day Three – That didn't go well. Are we sure he's a red panda? I honestly thought he was a raccoon. Well, in any case, I don't think I helped him at all…I think I need a vacation…and I'm sure Shifu will need one now as well. **_

**Final Analysis: **_**Though he seems to have more of a grasp of inner peace, I don't think he's quite there yet…alright, that's probably no thanks to me. I'm sure he was closer to inner peace before he saw me. **_

**Suggested Treatment: **_**Ignore me completely and meditate often.**_

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><p><strong>AN: First off, I want to thank the people who left actual feedback and reviews, I really appreciate it. Secondly, I feel I again have to stress that this is Just. For. Fun. I don't like **_**any **_**KFP pairing but that is **_**my **_**opinion **_**only**_**. If you don't agree with me, that's fine. I completely respect that difference in opinion. I just don't happen to like thinking of any of the KFP characters in that way. You don't **_**always**_** fall in love with your friend(s); frankly that's a completely Hollywoodized idea. People seem to forget that there is also such a thing as platonic love, which is love of a non-romantic nature. Yes I know that DreamWorks has other movies with odd-pairings, but those movies were presented as love stories or were open to the element of having a love story in the beginning. KFP didn't present itself in that manner at the beginning, so **_**I **_**feel****to add that element to the story now would ruin it. I find it very refreshing that they haven't added a romance to it and just focused on the story and characters instead of relying on clichés. But that's just me.**

**And as far as remaining "neutral" goes, it is my fanfic and I'll write it how I choose. That's what fan fiction is; taking something and putting your own spin on it. That's why I don't go to all the Ti/Po fanfics and protest. There are people out there that like the pairing(s), just because I don't doesn't give me the right to go there and say "this is wrong! It's gross!" or "you have to remain neutral!" The pairing people can write how they like, and I will do the same.**


	4. Chapter 4 Therapy with Mr Ping

**Chapter Four – Therapy with Mr. Ping**

**Sooth's Notes: **_**I was going to take the day off in light of all the disturbing things I've heard over the last three days, but Mr. Ping made an appointment and told me it was an emergency. I'd better see him to make sure nothing too serious is going on. **_

"**So what seems to be troubling you Mr. Ping?"**

"Oh nothing's troubling me! I just thought you'd like to try some of my noodle soup!"

"**Wait, so nothing's upsetting you? But you said it was urgent!"**

"Oh that's only because my son forgot to offer you a coupon for Dragon Worrier Noodles and Tofu. That boy can be forgetful at times..."

"**That's very kind of you but I—" **

"Perhaps you'd like to try a dumpling? It's Dragon Worrier size."

"**No I—"**

"Maybe a bean bun then? I promise they were made fresh just this morning!"

"**Please Mr. Ping, this is very kind but—"**

"Alright then, some tofu dessert. I'll even make it half price for helping my son!"

"**Well maybe just one bite wouldn't hurt…"**

"Are you sure you don't want to try some delicious noodle soup? It's my secret ingredient soup."

"**I thought that there was no secret ingredient."**

"How did you know? Who told you?"

"**No one, you said it yourself in the first—" **

"Po! You've been sharing family secrets? How could you?"

"…**I think I should stop bringing things up."**

**Sooth's Notes: **_**End of Day Four - … I really have nothing to say about this one…**_

**Final Analysis: **_**Extreme obsession with noodles, tofu and business…recovery unlikely.**_

**Suggested Treatment: **_**Spend less time in the kitchen, although I doubt that will help.**_

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><p><strong>AN: Sorry, I know this one was short, but it was the only way it really worked. Since it was so short I'll try to post the next chapter sooner. :) **

**Thanks again everyone for all your reviews and feedback! And thank you also to everyone that added this story to your favorites list! I'm glad to know you're all enjoying this. **


	5. Chapter 5 Therapy with Wo Hop

**Chapter Five – Therapy with Wo Hop**

**Sooth's Notes: **_**Day 5 - Do I really want to go through this again? I suppose I should, after all this bunny traveled a long distance to get here. I guess I'll see what he needs; maybe someone not from the Valley will have some normal and less disturbing problems…**_

"**So what problems do you have with your TV self Wo Hop?" **

"Um, I have no 'TV self'…well, technically I am my TV self since I only appeared in the Holiday Special."

"…**Ok…so then why are you here?"**

"My village thinks I needed to see someone about my 'obsession with honor and suicidal actions'."

"**Alright…well, do you feel you have these problems?"**

"I don't know. I suppose I shouldn't have thrown that knife in the air and stood under it…or lain on the chopping board while the Dragon Warrior was dicing vegetables…or jumped in the boiling pot of soup. I think I heard someone comment about finding a hair in their bowl. Anyway, my village said they appreciated that I tried to restore their honor, but I almost disgraced them more by attacking the Dragon Warrior with a wooden spoon."

"**You actually attacked the panda with a wooden spoon?"**

"I'm afraid so…"

"**How did that turn out?"**

"Not well. It was a little bouncy…and then I _might_ have bitten him on the foot."

"…**Moving on. How does it make you feel that your village says you almost disgraced them more?"**

"Like jumping off a cliff …"

"**I think your village might be right about you…"**

"What was that?"

"**Nothing…"**

"Well, what do you think then? Is my village right? What's your professional opinion? Be honest."

"**Do you want my **_**honest**_** opinion, or my **_**professional **_**opinion?"**

"Is there a difference?"

"…**Well…"**

"Professional opinion then."

"**I think you may need a little help. May I recommend counseling?"**

"With you?"

"**I don't think I could handle it."**

"Well that helped me not at all. Fine, I guess I'll go back to my village then and see if anyone there wants to pry into my childhood."

"**I'm seriously starting to question the wisdom of my life's choices…"**

**Sooth's Notes: **_**End of Day 5 – I can actually feel my brain starting to melt. Is it possible for one to die from over exposure to disturbing things? I hope not. I think perhaps the rest of my day would be best spent by practicing some meditation…or nibbling on a fine piece of silk.**_

**Final Analysis: **_**Extremely obsessed about honor; exhibits suicidal tendencies.**_

**Suggested Treatment: **_**Talk to **_**anyone**_** but me**_

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><p><strong>AN: I decided to do a chapter with Wo Hop because I just thought he was a fun character to be analyzed. Poor Sooth, she's not very good at this is she? :)**

**Well, the next chapter is the last one. What shall I do with my time after that? I'm sure you'll have some suggestions Fyre. XD**


	6. Chapter 6 Therapy with Mantis

**A/N: After the scene break, Po speaking is in regular type, Tigress is in **_**italic,**_** and Shifu is in bold. **

**Happy St. Patrick's Day everyone! I hope you all enjoy the last chapter; thanks for reading!**

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><p><strong>Chapter 6 – Therapy with Mantis<strong>

**Sooth's Notes: **_**Day 6 – I really don't think I can handle this much longer. The issues with these people are worse than I though. I think it has caused me to lose my mind a little. I have developed an eye twitch, and today I agreed to speak with a bug…**_

"**Alright, let's get this over with. Why are you here?"**

"Well in truth I don't really know. My friends seem to think there's something wrong with me just because I said that I thought I'd meet a nice girl, settle down and then she'd eat my head…really what's so troubling about that?"

**"…."**

"Uh, you ok over there? You look a little…green."

"**I can't take this anymore. I have to go."**

"Hey wait!...Wow the others were right, she is a little odd…"

**Sooth's Notes: **_**Final Entry – No more! I can't take it another minute! I quit! I give up! I'm going back to Gongmen City where I can have some peace.**_

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><p><em><strong>Elsewhere in the Valley, Po, Tigress and Shifu are on their way back to see Sooth<strong>_

"Do you think she'll mind that we're going to ask her to leave?"

"_I don't know, but I think it's best if we tell her that she's really not very good at this whole therapy thing."_

"**Let's just hurry up and get this over with…"**

"Hey, look! There's a sign on the door!"

"_What's it say?" _

"It says: '_**Gone for therapy. Closed for good.' **_Is a therapist allowed to go for therapy? Or do you think she's just out counseling herself?"

"_Who cares? I think everyone will better off not talking about the TV show or any other issues again…"_

"**I agree; I think it will do our sanity good if we just go back to the way things were. And let's **_**never**_** speak of this incident again… " **

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><p><strong>AN: Thank you everyone who took the time to read this. You guys have been really great and I really appreciate all your reviews. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. :)**

**Thank you FyreDragon5 for encouraging me to do this, and for all your support. You're an awesome person and a wonderful friend! **


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